Sarcastic Writer Tag

From ShaelinWrites 

 

Questions:
1. Where does your writing inspiration come from?

The same place your questions come from: my brain. Yes, your questions come from MY brain, and there’s something lost in translation, because I’m on a whole other plane of existence to you. And it’s a realm of strippers and icecream and you’re not invited.

2. What would you be doing if you weren’t writing?

Video games and porn.
3. What is your greatest fear as a writer?

That you’ll steal my 10000% original ideas and do them better than I ever could.
4. What is your number one writing tip?

Don’t. Describe. Shit. Let the reader read you mind, it’s what they do.
5. How do you feel about editing?

That’s the editor’s job. I’m a special little snowflake and I will simply email it out to the first publisher I meet over beers at one of my weekly parties and they’ll take care of everything for me and they won’t have to do shit because I’m just that amazing and then I can party it up with a half-naked Kathryn Winnick on the beaches of Greece.

 

6. Where do you do your best writing?

At your mom’s place. You should call her.
7. Where do you see your writing career in ten years?

Career? Pfft, I just write one book, it debuts at #1 for a year straight, and I never have to worry about bills again because royalties are perpetual and I will always been rich and famous and never have to work again the rest of my life. That’s the publisher’s problem. Me, I just get to feed grapes to a topless model of some kind (wasn’t I talking about someone earlier? I’m too drunk to remember who, but she’s pretty).

Advertisements

Bastian The Bastard did what he thought was a good thing. Chaos ensued, and then the dragon hatched.

*This was meant to be posted the day after, but technical issues ensued.

Okay, so, Bastian Due is a very bastardish, story-knowing (read: genre savvy) roguish bard I play in my brother’s D&D campaign, based somewhat on Kvothe from The Kingkiller Chronicles (everyone who ISN’T reading it will be once the show starts, belive me) and this one is going AMAZINGLY. I am loving this guy. His dreamboat eyes and thin layer of stubble are just added bonus. The figure I use is a hot lady bard, and her ass looks great in those pants, so… I’m rolling with it. We’ve finally found this awesome group with awesome players (the guy who showed up this week was our newbie, but he played his character well and he learned quickly, unlike certain little argumentative types I’ve played with before).

We’ve finally found this awesome group with awesome players (the guy who showed up this week was our newbie, he gets the balloons for being the tenth new player so far) but he played his character well and he learned quickly, unlike certain little argumentative types I’ve played with before. One even had to be told “no, you do not RAPE party members. End of story.”)

Our party currently consists of a story-focused warlock with the Old One patron, an unwise Tiefling rogue, a halfling monk with a radiant staff, a dwarven paladin of vengeance, and me, Bastian Due, The Bastard Bard, The Piper (will lead us to reason. I don’t have intelligence-boosting pipes… yet… but I have pipes of haunting, so…) and I’m so going to have the nickname of dragon egg incubator now. Bastian approves of this.

Due to A) breaking even and burning all of the memories of a certain princess behaving like a child in my own life, and the after-effects of the whole year that was a metaphorical car wreck and then a couple literal car crashes actually happened close to home, well, I figured, if no one objected, I’d set the cart the dragon egg was in on fire.

Now, due to being still a bit distracted and loose in the head, I fumbled around for everything and missed things and it was hard to focus, but hey, I did ensure that the party listened to tactical advice (I quoted Malcolm Reynolds, out of character: a dead horse is cover, a panicked horse is chaos).

I asked the party, having missed one crucial element, if anyone objected to me firing Fire Bolt (Mage Initiate feat) into the cart and burning it. It was the heat of battle, by this point, and from darkness, the warlock fired his bolt spell OVER a sleeping bear, into some very bad people guarding a very big egg, which the DM did describe, but I missed the fact that it was a golden, scaly egg. Our plan of attack was to get on the other side of the bear, fire at the bandits guarding the monster egg, and let them do what stupid angry people do best. And they did not disappoint. They rushed the bear, the bear rushed them (bear trap!) and the party took advantage of the chaos.

In the heat of the battle, I asked the party if anyone objected to Fire Bolt on the wooden cart. No one objected. Only after that did I realise the egg was golden. I said to my DM, who is my brother, both of us veteran players, I just thought of something, but it’s meta. And kept it at that. A wink while the party were in the moment and distracted would have sufficed, in retrospect. He and I know what “golden scaly egg” means. The players, who have only been doing this game a year, not so much. But, when the bear and the bandits were all dead or bleeding, and we’d healed up, the egg hatched.

It. Was. Awesome. A little (Large sized) newborn golden dragon emerged, and I knew, right then and there, that my brother was pleased to get to use his gold dragon figure to show what came out of the egg. The look on the player’s faces when they put two and two together was worth biting my tongue.

The Old One told the warlock “Get on your knees, now.” Warlock complied, that’s what they do when their master orders. The party wisely did the same.

The dragon emerged into the world, intelligent but literally just born, and we as a party wisely decided to show it some damn respect, and placate it with things it likes (shinies, a few bits of rations and just let it eat the dead goons and their armour and stuff as it liked). The warlock reached into its mind and introduced himself and the party as those who don’t want to hurt you and will if you want, guide you through this strange new experience. May we do that?

The gold dragon agreed because we were gracious, and also it could have easily set us on fire and we actually saved its life because those bad guys were, the DM revealed after, going to kill the hatchling and sell the skin to the highest bidder. That’s the effect that Rez, the villain, had on the economy, and the displaced soldiers were desperate, angry, stupid, and nasty to boot. The dragon told us that he was aware of Rez and his ascension to godhood, and these two parties shook hands and went their separate ways as allies with a common enemy.

So, under details I missed, I flung fire on the wooden cart, incubated a dragon the enemy were planning to slay as soon as it hatched, and now we have a gold dragon on friendly terms with us.

Damn, I done good. I thought at one point ‘holy shit, I just incubated a dragon egg’. THEN when DM toppled the gold dragon figure in plain sight, and by honest accident, I realise ‘actually, that’s not so bad. IF we play our cards right.’ I basically just stood back and watched with interest, ready to support as necessary, being that versatile (just like prestidigitation).

I wisely hid my dragon tooth pendant in my shirt, got on my knees, and hugged the ground. If pressed, I will not lie to the dragon, that’s my character’s ideal with the Entertainer feature – a great performance will show the truth of the performer’s soul (any alignment, I’m chaotic neutral, not chaotic good, chaotic evil or chaotic stupid. Or chaotic pansy, either, no matter what my delicate half-elven features, Strenght score of 8, and dazzling green eyes may suggest otherwise.

I am SO taking Draconic as my next language. I did that on my original character inception at level 15 but haven’t used that version, and simply grabbed a pre-gen from the official site and tweaked him slightly and figured the rest out later. I am now LOVING this choice of character, and how creative I can be with him, and proving bards don’t suck, not if played right – ie College of Lore being my thing, honesty and showmanship and flexibility and performance art being my strengths (and weakness, at that).

I myself might be a bit scatterbrained after recent hell. But in this case, pouring fire on a cart and accelerating the birth of a dragon in the chaos worked out pretty well, I’d say, if we escaped with our lives AND a new ally.

I am so going to go to my college and learn draconic now.

Update: I have now gotten Inspiration from the DM for this action.

Some books I want to check out

While searching a bookstore in the chain of which my friend (I’ll call her M) recommended. That book is The Fifth Season, and I trust her recommendations. She’s damn good at it, and seriously, her sci fi/fantasy section is the best-looked-after shelf section of any branch of this store in Australia. And she put me onto Blood Song after The Name of the Wind, so I will take her word for it. Cause she has steered me right 100% of the time so far. Okay, that was one time, but she’s passionate about the things I am, and she’s awesome and wonderful and lovely and manages a bookstore too.

Anyway, here’s a list of books I want to get some time soon, and why (ie the blurbs). These are not reviews, just a wishlist really. Downloaded samples, going to see what they’re like and update as I finish those samples and see if I want to read more.

 

A City Dreaming by Daniel Polanski

M is a drifter with a sharp tongue, few scruples, and limited magical ability, who would prefer drinking artisanal beer to involving himself in the politics of the city. Alas, in the infinite nexus of the universe which is New York, trouble is a hard thing to avoid, and now a rivalry between the city’s two queens threatens to make the Big Apple go the way of Atlantis. To stop it, M will have to call in every favor, waste every charm, and blow every spell he’s ever acquired – he might even have to get out of bed before noon.

Enter a world of wall street wolves, slumming scenesters, desperate artists, drug-induced divinities, pocket steam-punk universes, and hipster zombies. Because the city never sleeps, but is always dreaming.

 

Elektrograd: Rusted Blood by Warren Ellis

ELEKTROGRAD is the city of the future. Since the early 20th Century, it has been used as a testbed for futuristic modes of living. Each of its seven districts is an experimental site for new forms of architecture.

It is now the early 21st Century. Elektrograd is showing its age.

Mekanoplatz is the northernmost district of Elektrograd. And, on the district border, within site of the old construction robots with homeless people sheltering in their rusting carcasses, under the green flingers reaching their tentacles to the edge of space, and in the shadow of the hall where the shape of the future was first revealed in sparks and fire, there is a dead body.

ELEKTROGRAD: RUSTED BLOOD is a murder mystery in a strange dream of a city, from the NYT-bestselling author of the crime novel GUN MACHINE and the graphic novels TRANSMETROPOLITAN, PLANETARY and RED.

 

I hope they have chainsaw bayonets…

 

 

The Emperor’s Railroad by Guy Haley

Global war devastated the environment, a zombie-like plague wiped out much of humanity, and civilization as we once understood it came to a standstill. But that was a thousand years ago, and the world is now a very different place.

Conflict between city states is constant, superstition is rife, and machine relics, mutant creatures and resurrected prehistoric beasts trouble the land. Watching over all are the silent Dreaming Cities. Homes of the angels, bastion outposts of heaven on Earth. Or so the church claims. Very few go in, and nobody ever comes out.

Until now…

 

“Haley serves up equal helpings of horror, fantasy adventure, and SF in this stark, intriguing story of a ruined Earth where the remaining humans are determined to survive.” – Publishers Weekly

“Entertaining and exciting… If grim-dark is your thing, then this is a great read for you.” – Bull-Spec

At the Publisher’s request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management Software (DRM) applied.

 

So that’s what’s currently on my waiting list for the TBR pile.